Santa & the Torch Pt. 2

The Cookie Crumble

Written by: S.T. Maverick

“Alright folks, hello and welcome back to the televised coverage of The Santa Trials,” Elfeena announced with great anticipation of what was next to come. 

     So here are the rules of the Cookie Crumble Rumble: first, the contestant must decide his cookie count, being careful not to bid too low. One hundred cookies being the minimum. Second, once the cookie count is determined, via taking the cookie bid and subtracting other point totals, the timer is set with an “auto-generated” time limit. And finally, not a crumb can be left behind, so you gotta make every bite count and you’re only granted three glasses of milk. However, what Klaus did not know was that the Grand Elves Tribunal had their hands all over the competition. 

     Klaus began to deliberate a plan, one that could somehow bless his stomach with some expanding ability so he could devour his one hundred and one cookies. But what set him back was thinking he could beat the system, by choosing the minimum cookie count and that was a costly mistake. With choosing one hundred and one cookies the Tribunal took it as a personal slight and determined they’d add an extra zero to the minimum, making it a whopping one thousand and Klaus didn’t have a clue. Unbeknownst to Klaus though, his Santa suit would grant him devour power. 

     “So, folks, Elfonso here! Apologies for my abrupt departure—my sister stirred up some unforeseen intestinal difficulties. But I’m back in full elf-fect,” he declared proudly, punctuating his words with a dismissive breath. “My gremlin of a sister played a ho ho whole bell of prank on me, but her coal is coming, I’ll get her back. You can count on that Elfeena!” Shaking his diminutive little elf hand he continued, “Anywho, onto our next contest, the Cookie Crumble Rumble. ‘Big Bells’ Klaus must eat the platter of cookies before time expires, only being allowed three glasses of milk. Klaus has selected one hundred and one, we’ll see if his stomach has what it takes to eat this feat in 5…4…3...2…1.”

     Klaus, sitting at the right side of a long wooden, intricately designed table, made himself comfortable at the table and loosened his drawstring Santa pants. 

BRAAAAAANT! 

     With the starting buzzard sounding off, the auto-generated ten minutes began ticking and ‘Big Bells’ Klaus began scoffing down the assortment of different cookies. Only thing they had in common, they were all five inches in diameter. Klaus with his end number in mind, was feeling pretty confident chowing down on the long silver platter of cookies. Chomps and chews. Chews and chomps. It was an all out cookie consumption orchestrated of crumbled chomps and chews. Through all the munching and cookie crumbling Klaus kept one thing in mind, “It’s me against myself.” He didn’t focus on how many cookies he had to eat, instead he only focused on finishing. There was only one problem; The Grand Elves Tribunal.

    The G.E.T. had already taken notice of Klaus’ prowess and colluded to “make things harder than a reindeer walking on ice”, their words not mine. The shrewd old crude crotchety casters, the Grand Elves Tribunal, were partial to canceling Christmas, and they figured this had to be the year of Xmas. Caped in dim faded crimson, cloaked in dismay and wishes ungranted, they made their shrouded way to the field. And the tribunal trio tried tricky tactics to cast terrific trouble.

“Glad to have you guys back here at the fantastically festive Holi-Dome! I’m Elfeena Jollytime and these are the Santa Trials! For those of you just tuning in, ‘Big Bells’ has been chomping, munching and chewing his way through this contest of composure, with 4:44 left on the clock and what appears to be an avalanche of a problem. TWO more cookies appear for every one cookie Klaus eats!” Elfeena then moans and with a hard dramatic gasp, “This could spell trouble for our potential Santa, let’s see if his stomach is bigger than our eyes.” 

     “Klaus, our seemingly precocious and predestined Santa is mowing through that plattered plethora of positively pretty pastries,” Elfonso gloated with content, “Like a reindeer in a plush meadow of mint leaf grass and peppermint petunias. But I dunno, at the rate Klaus has been eating I’d expect there’d be less cookies on the platter. And oddly enough the platter seems to have somehow gotten longer. What’s crazier than that, I’m sure ‘Big Bells’ has eaten more than twice the cookie count he had in mind!” 

“Jeez louise crackers and cheese, are you guys seeing this?!” Elfeena shrieked with bewildered excitement. 

     Sure enough as Elfeena was speaking the platter and the table grew, inch by inch. Klaus looked up in disbelief, shocked to see that the cookie count-o-meter wasn’t even half to finish, showing forty out of one hundred and one. He was certain that he’d eaten at least seventy or eighty. This discouraged him greatly, causing his appetite to fill and motions to become sluggish and uninspired. Feeling quite lethargic and defeated, his chomps slowed into nibbles. His posture went from upright and confident to slumpily slouched, lifeless and drained. Then something unexpected happened.

“Hey uh, big guy,” Holly paused as she pondered the right words, “You notice anything different about our guy?”

“Did I…did I what? Who’s our guy? What’s this you got on TV? I wanna watch the stories of my wife. You know, little lady, the ‘The Old and the Anxious’. I just gotta know what happened with…dangblanget! I told you the reindeer did it!” 

     Just as quick as Nickontae spoke, Holly knew instantly that he had slipped into a slight yule-heimers episode. “

“Awh jammit! Nick, Nickontae. Where are your meds?”

“Feds?! Girl I ain’t with the feds! I like various cheeses but I sure ain’t no rat, girl gon’ ask me if I'm with the feds? On Frosty ‘nem the feds have been after me for years, tryna perverse what I do!”

“Nooo boss-man, MEDS, where are your meds? Awh this isn’t good, I gotta find his medicine and get word to Klaus that something is afoot at the Santa Trials.” Holly shook her head as her frustration spiraled out of control, “Something isn’t right in this competition. I'm thinking the Tribunal has something to do with the cookie extension.”

     Of course, Holly, being Santa’s Assistant Elf In Charge, went straight to business searching for Saint Nickonte’s meds and developing a plan that would help Klaus in this battle where he had no clue was happening. Ripping and running, frantically, fervently and ferociously, Holly searched the workshop for Mr. Nick’s medicine. In the midst of her search Holly began calculating a possible play for Klaus’ precarious predicament. The only thing that came to her mind for Klaus was slow to come, but when it came it landed with a bang. But first…

“Where is that medicine jammit?!”

“Well, where was the last place you remember dosing me up? I can’t even remember what color my socks were this morning,” he let out a hearty ho-ho and a chuckle, “The Old and the Anxious, uhh hello, it’s my wife’s favorite show. What kinda show y’all little folk got goin’ here? What a brutha gotta do to –”

     Nearly at her wit’s end, Holly scribbled a note on a piece of gingerbread paper. Yes, paper that tastes, smells and is made out of gingerbread.She then chewed a gumdrop and spit it onto the note, crumpled it and threw it into the fireplace. This was only one of the magical routes of getting a message to the jingling santa hat, but certainly one of the quickest. The note read: 

“Loopa tri triki. Usati dooditi tabi.” 

     Back at the Holi-Dome, things are slowing to a seemingly strenuous and  stagnant halt for our underdog Klaus “Big Bells” Wallace as he tediously trudges through this tumultuous task, painstakingly going cookie for cookie as the seconds tick off the clock. The anguish of a belly full of 444 cookies, is beating at the Santa contender from the inside. Yet he managed to stuff cookie after cookie, until he felt something coming back up. Klaus readjusted himself at the table, attempting to make room in his stomach for the remaining cascade of cookies. He then checks the game clock, 2:15 and ticking.  

     Then, just as his arm wearily reached for another cookie, the stadium went dead silent. Not a peep could be heard, although Klaus had already blocked out the cheers and jeers this new silence instantly jarred his attention. It was as if everything and everyone had been frozen in time. Klaus, taking notice, looked around for further confirmation. Down on the field nearby, Elfeena Jollytime was looking quite statuesque. Microphone in hand, mouth wide as if she was going to sing a christmas carol, yet not one word was uttered. 

     Looking through the crowded stands, Klaus saw all kinds of frozen silent inactivity. One elf, Klaus spotted, was picking boogers, oddly enough they were from the elf sitting next to him in the crowd. Another elf had just gotten the concession workers’ attention and had a candied corn dog tossed his way. But that candied corn dog was unfortunately caught up in the time stop. Klaus, now certain that something is afoot, began to get concerned and just as suddenly the Santa hat began jingling. Ready for the message, Klaus quickly whipped the jingling hat from his head, from which he ironically was already sweating. As he looked into the hat, the scent of warm gingerbread cookies filled his nose, then he reached inside and removed the note from Holly. He then unknowingly began to read the Elfanese aloud:

“Tricky Tribunal Loopage. Use Disposer Tab.”

     The message hit Klaus like a ten-thousand-volt bolt of lightning, and he knew exactly what he had to do. He reached into the inner pocket of the suit jacket, revealed the disposer tab and with renewed gumption, shouted- 

“OH YEAH! LET’S ELFIN GO!!”

      Klaus then thumb flipped the tab into the air like a quarter and caught it in his mouth, immediately after the tab hit his tongue he swallowed a shot of milk from his glass. Now, what this “disposer tab” would do, no one had a clue, except Klaus. When he received the gingerbread note he had a slight vision, in which he saw Saint Nickontae delivering presents in what appeared to be his early years as Santa. But something clearly troubling him, he seemingly had a stomach ache as he doubled over by the fireplace. Suddenly, a familiar face appeared, Saint Nickontae’s assistant elf in charge, Holly. The sight of them years younger was chuckle-worthy to Klaus, but the message in the vision was clear as the North Pole’s spring water and stunk more than reindeer stables. And just as Klaus caught the whiff, he launched an air biscuit of his own.

BRRRAAAAAAAANT poot!

     After airing out some gassy room in his stomach, he felt refreshed, ready and poised to finish strong. This was the moment that Klaus unlocked more Santa magic, he stood up strong, confident and assured, placed the jingling hat back on his head and began grubbing through the grueling task at hand. The Grand Elves Tribunal, also frozen in time, stagnantly suspended in between the seconds they once thought they were in control of. Unbeknownst to them, the most unlikely thing had occurred. Their Hourglass Time Stopper had been secretly swiped from their possession, by an even more unlikely culprit and it was being used against them.

     As Klaus powerfully plowed through the plattered plethora of pastries with poise, something positively magical was happening. The crumbs that were left behind, as he scoffed his way from the right side of the magically elongated platter to the left, appeared to be swirling and gusting into letters. Chocolate chips and Hershey’s kisses were auspiciously aligning, sprinkles and powdered sugar formed tasty trails. The first letter formed was a “S”, followed by “G”, next was “N”. The peppermint chips spiraled and percolated atop the platter in unison with the sprinkles and powdered sugar, and fell into a perfect array of the letters: I, T and E.

“Alright that should do,” Holly thought aloud while adjusting Saint Nickontae’s portable TV set to show the sitcom he was blabbering about. “Now boss-man, did you possibly leave your meds in the sleigh?”

“Slay? Who slayin’? My wife sho’ did slay in her day, she was the finest woman I’d seen in my whole life. Ohh, this the episode where Stephany and Tyler –,” then with a sudden vicious gust of a sneeze and a gesundheit to himself, “Holly, how’s our guy doin’? Is he sticking it to the tribunal?”

“You sure did pick a great time to come back around,” glad to have Nick’s lucidity, “Where are your meds? The Tribunal has screwed with the Cookie Crumble Rumble and Klaus needs our help!” 

“Ohhh, those funky little things?” Saint Nick said with a ho-ho’d a hearty chuckle, “Holly, they’re here. In my boot,” he claims with a chortle as he kicks off his left boot.

“Mother…fudgin’! GOTJAMMIT!” Holly exclaimed, “YOUR BOOT?!” She spewed as she began hyperventilating from a bit of rage. Quite literally fuming, face red and ears steaming, her little temper had her bouncing from the surfaces and walls of the workshop. “Are you abso-fudgi –,” without warning she was cut short.

“YES!” Nick bellowed out with a roaring grumble that shook the whole workshop and even the North Pole itself. “As a matter of fact, I am abso-fudgin-lutely serious. Holly, you’re not my assistant elf in charge for no reason. I know I’ve put more than a lot on your plate, with all thirty of my years of Santa duties, you’ve been the most perfect-est assistant elf in charge that any Santa could ask for.” With that, Holly’s face went from red to a calmer peach tint. He went on to say, “I figured something as small as a medicine bottle was the least I could keep up with, even though my mind isn’t,” Nick says with a shrug and a coy chuckle.

     Once he took his medicine, Saint Nickontae and Holly held the warmest and most endearing gaze at each other. A look of love, respect and appreciation. A look that tugged the heartstrings of all the worker-elves, keeping all the misty eyed OT workers attention locked. With a ho-ho’d hearty chuckle Mr. Nick, the once grouchy looking, lushed smelling, and slow to embrace his workers, did the unexpected. He opened his arms, welcoming Holly in for a hug.

“Awh jammit, Saint Nickontae Q. James, you amazingly dedicated and surprisingly thoughtful man,” she pauses with dramatic intent, then cracks a sly smirk saying, “With all due love and respect, YOU SMELL LIKE SUPER EXPIRED NOG AND THE REINDEER STABLE!” She continued with a cackle, “We gots no time for stinky mushy stuff, KLAUS NEEDS US. Take this medicine and let’s go!”

“Awwh, mannn,” moaned and groaned the collection of OT worker-elves. Then, from the back, one of the quietest and hardest-working elves called out, “Try my portable ‘Shower-Under-Duress’ invention!”

     Now refreshed, dressed in his crushed red velvet suit, tailored to perfectly hug his sturdy stature. The silk edge lining had a sheen that says it’s fresh off the press. Newly smelling of pine, gingerbread cookies, some old spice and spearmint, Holly ran and leapt into Saint Nick's arms and endearingly cried, “Now THAT’S the big guy I know and love! I missed you so much boss-man!”

“AWWHHH!” All the worker-elves cried out as their heartstrings got the final pull, one elf even shouted while boohooing, “Jammit, I said I wasn’t gonna cry!”

Holly and Saint Nick simultaneously look at each and in unison say, “LETS FUDGIN GO!” 

     Nickontae then reached into his jacket pocket and revealed a Christmas tree shaped gingerbread cookie, complete with sprinkles and powdered sugar. With a mysterious smile, he swung his arm up in one swift motion, crumbling the cookie before forcefully throwing the crumbs to the ground in front of them. Up rose a huge, festively sparkling gingerbread dust cloud.

POOF! They were gone.

The elves left in attendance at the workshop, awestruck after seeing Santa’s sleigh soar past the skylight window, erupted into a raucous celebration.

     In two shakes of a reindeer tail Nick and Holly arrived at the Holi-Dome, which, much to Nick’s surprise, was lifelessly quiet and lacking the expected buzz. Nickontae, taking a second to observe, sees Klaus chomping away but no other active signs of life. From elves frozen high fiving, to elves stuck almost eating candied popcorn, Mr. Nick drew his conclusion and knew exactly what was happening. With a dissatisfied grunt and grumble Nick looked over to Holly, and she shrunk a bit over on the passenger side. In frustration, Nick rubbed his face from forehead to thick curly black and graying beard. 

Before he could even get a word out Holly began her explanation, “Look boss-man, I know what you’re gonna say, and yes technically I was wrong but—

“Hush now, HollyDaze I know exactly what you did and why. You did it for the home team, to help set right something you knew was wrong. I commend you on your selflessness. We can deal with that Hourglass Time Stopper later, just get the game clock ticking and I’ll deal with the Tribunal.”

     Holly reached into the glovebox, retrieved the hourglass, and did as she was told. As soon as she set it upright, the game clock began ticking. The moment the time-stop ended, Nickontae wiggled his nose and snapped his fingers and the hourglass vanished. With two minutes, fifteen seconds and ticking, Holly and Nick watch the live feed on the dashboard screen, hovering near the jumbotron out of sight. In hidden, silent support they cheered Klaus on to the proverbial “finish line”. ‘Big Bells’ Klaus, triumphantly trudging through this tasty yet tedious task, kept the magic rolling.

“Whew! Elfeena Jollytime here, what a wacky wonderment,” feeling the after-effects of the time stoppage, “Kinda feels like my tongue is numb and dry, as if my mouth was open for three days and nights. I feel like I have morning breath in the afternoon,” Elfeena says with an embarrassed chuckle.

“We’re here, witnessing the Cookie Crumble Rumble, and with just about two minutes left on the game clock. It is most certainly crunch time. Double entendre pun intended,” Elfonso Jollytime says as he shakes off the time stoppage haze. “For whatever reason, it appears that we’re a tad bit behind because ‘Big Bells’ Klaus has been eviscerating the cookies leaving behind what looks to be some kinda message,” Elfonso observantly states.

“You’re absolutely right Elfonso, let’s see if I can get a closer view of our Cookie Crumble Rumble contender’s crumbled cookie connection,” remarked Elfeena as she neared the magically elongated table. “Well, I’ll be a reindeer’s aunt,” Elfeena stammered, “This is a Santa Trials’ first! ‘Big Bells’ Klaus has evoked some Santa magic from deep in his bag!” She shrieks as she tries not to hyperventilate. “If I wasn’t nearly standing on the table I wouldn’t believe my eyes. From what I’m seeing, this tantalizingly tasty trail has taken the form of six more letters: ERGSNO.”

     By all accounts, what Klaus had going was nothing short of Santastically miraculous. Big Bells was in a groove and nothing could stop him, until something did. What was it? The Grand Elves Tribunal, nefarious in intent, these ghoulish grouches saw that their previous feeble attempts to hinder Klaus had failed. But they had one more trick up their sleeve. As they skulk and operate in the shadows, they make their way over to the reindeer hitching post with only sinister intentions. Maybe a little more than 30 yards away from Klaus, they furtively unhitched Lil’ Rudy, Bazzle and Izzy; but that was the least of the problems to come.

“Elfeena here, and boyyy oh boy this has been a fierce competition for our contender Klaus ‘Big Bells’ Wallace!” She proclaimed with excited passion, “Holi-Dome. Santa Trials. Live and direct in full effect! We’re down to  the last minute of the Cookie Crumble and our potential Santa has added the letters S, A and E to the trail of crumbs, sprinkles, chocolate chips and crushed peppermints. However, I’m sure I—

WHAAANT WHAANT WHAANT!

     Without much warning or reason, the snowmen obstacles rose from beneath the turf and began to close in on the reindeer. This sent them all into a frenzy, bucking and whinnying in unison, all frightened by the posse of snowmen. With all the bucking fear it wasn’t long at all before Izzy, Bazzle and Lil’ Rudy were up in the air. Right then, Captain Duke used the metaphysical connection and alerted Klaus. The power of the jingling Santa hat began to feed Klaus more information about the reindeer. 

     And wouldn’t you know it—a reindeer lineage had been bestowed upon him. The revelation both impressed and utterly blew Klaus’ mind. He had just learned that Lil’ Rudy was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’s firstborn—and that C.D. was his uncle. Since C.D. was Rudolph’s brother, he possessed the same red glow power, but it manifested in his antlers, allowing him to heat them as well. After receiving the reindeer rundown, Klaus’ instincts kicked in, and in an instant, C.D. launched his assault on the snowmen—kicking, bucking, and liquefying his way through the has-been obstacles. Amid the chaos, Klaus heard the hellacious hooves hammering the ground, reminding him that he had to finish strong. His thoughts, synced with his holiday herd, rang loud and clear:

“We got this! They’re trying to deter our success, but we can’t let them win!”

“HELLOOO, holiday lovers and Holi-Dome attendees, ladies and gentlelves watching wherever they may be. Elfonso here, and we’re deep into the Cookie Crumble Rumble,” he announced with exuberant passion. Our contestant, Klaus ‘Big Bells’ Wallace has made light-work of the contest, almost as if he was bred for the job and journey.”

     Quite literally down to a handful of both, the assorted cookies and seconds to finish, Klaus derived a plan to finish the platter with a flash and a bang. He then flicked the jingling pompon, tugged his right earlobe and rubbed his belly in a circular motion. And with a poofing flash of sparkles, Klaus had performed more Santa magic but this time with complete intent and knowledge. He then reached into his pocket and revealed three jumbo candy canes, holding them up in one hand, while with the other he shoveled down the remaining cookies. When he finished the once insurmountable task he stood up on the bench where he was seated, now raising both hands triumphantly.

     As Klaus stood victoriously with the clock closing in on zeros, the crowd erupted with cheers and applause, such a raucously roaring rumble that it caused a wave of serendipitous reactions and warmth to wash over Klaus. But Klaus wasn’t quite finished yet, so he then pulled off the jingling Santa hat and placed the jumbo candy canes inside and crushed them. After crushing the candy canes he held the hat by its pompom and whipped the crushed candy cane dust out of the hat and into the air. And with that, a perfectly plentiful part of peppermint bits showered down, ever so pretty and sparkly. Then in unison the elves in attendance counted down the final seconds-

“5,4,3,2,1…” WHAAAAANT! 

 And just like that-POOF!

“O-M-Jeezers!” Remarked Elfeena Jollytime, then she continues her totally amped rant, “That was amazing! Spectacular! M-elfin’ Santastic! ‘Big Bells’ Klaus has frickin’ disappeared!”

     All the attending, spectating and tailgating elves, even the announcer elves were all in silent shock and awe. With Klaus now out of sight the peppermint flakes began fluttering and falling on the fans all through the Holi-Dome. It felt quite like Christmas magic had snowed tasty candied snowflakes leaving cool, sweet, soft kisses on everyone in attendance. Then suddenly, almost as if a vacuum had been turned on, all the fluttering sparkling candy cane crumbs were drawn back to the platter on the table. And all the pepperminted flakes and crumbs came together forming the final letter a ‘S’. 

“I don’t believe it. No, that’s impossible! In all 326 years of my existence and 215 Santa Trials covered, I’ve never seen anything like it! I might just..might ju-” Elfonso had worked himself into a tizzy of excitement and nearly fainted. “Sorry folks, I almost passed out from this spectacularly Santastic, audaciously amazing and positively profound presentation.”

“No, seriously, like what the elf? Where did Big Bells Klaus go?!” Elfeena chimed in quite stupefied, shocked, amazed and baffled while down on the field looking around for any sign of Klaus.

“HOLY HOLIDAY CHEER BISCUITS! Do my eyes deceive me?! Get a load of the message Klaus ‘Big Bells’ Wallace left on the platter!” And as Elfonso viewed it from his press box monitor and read it over the speakers, the final bit of magic was charged.

“Season’s Greetings” 

Then with a flash and a bang, a bevy of candied confetti and sparks of magical energy burst from the bottom of the Jumbotron monitor of the Holi-Dome. Appearing with a Santastically glorious, gregarious aura and energy about himself, Klaus descended to centerfield. The crowd was so quiet, so stunned into silence, you could hear a pin drop.

     Then the shrouded, skulking and conniving Grand Elves Tribunal hauntedly revealed themselves and began their monologue with monotoned droning overlapping voices.

“Klaus Wallace, you have greatly exceeded our expectations. We, the Grand Elves Tribunal, have been watching you and your performance closely, and despite our efforts you’ve overachieved. We, the Grand Elves Tribunal, commend your effort and would like to impart a special provision.” They paused and looked at each other, then continued, “For your frustration cloaked in humor during the Reindeer Roundup, the fortuitous poise you showed in the Cookie Crumble Rumble, and how you dazzlingly entertained the Grand Elves Tribunal as well as all elves in attendance, you are granted ‘Grand Magic Assistance’ on the final event ‘Sleigh the Night’.”

     And with that announcement the masses cheered, all elves in attendance erupted in a raucous display of jubilee and praise. 

“Well folks, that was more than what any of us here would’ve ever expected. The Grand Elves Tribunal have granted Klaus ‘Big Bells’ Wallace G.M.A., and that’s not a courtesy the extend to many, if any. Elfonso, how you like that from up there in the booth?” Elfeena inquired from down near the action.

“I’ll tell you one thing for sure and two things for certain, Klaus has had the best showing I’ve ever seen here in the Holi-Dome for sure and earned that G.M.A. and I’m certainly ready for the final event. ‘Sleigh the Night’ is definitely gonna test Klaus’ fortitude. But before that, a word from our sponsors.”

Hey, thanks for stopping by, I hope you enjoyed Part 2 as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. Please like, comment, share the link. I greatly appreciate the support. Part 3 will complete the series, so Parts 1-3 will be purchasable in book form, SO STAY TUNED!